Lost Girls

Childhood. Carefree skipping, rhymes, playing with dolls...isn't everyone's experience. Divorce, alcoholism, mental illness, a latch key child before the term was phrased, physical and sexual abuse were mine. I wore a nice mask, you'd think I had it all together but I walked in shame looking for someone, anyone to protect me. Little Girl lost. 

I was so confused about why my mom was never there for me. I felt so unloved. Finally, as an adult I have finally realized my mom couldn't give me what she never received herself...her childhood was the same...divorce, alcoholism, mental illness, physical abuse. Looking for a protector. Little girl lost. 

So, Why Did You Get Divorced? (Finally)

 This seems to be the question, people ask or want to ask but feel its rude to ask and maybe it is...I am not sure. I do know it's an impossible question to answer without embarrassment and wondering how they will look at you if you are truthful.

The truth that everyone close to me knew was my ex-husband was unfaithful, not just a once way of unfaithful, but what turned out to be a lifestyle of unfaithfulness. They knew we did years of marital counseling. The thing I couldn't see was the sickness in him that had absolutely nothing to do with infidelity or his depression. It is something I cannot even name because I am not sure there is even a name for it. 

The lying, the gaslighting, it was a way of life. When I approached the subject of the unfaithfulness, I was told I was crazy for imagining the adultery, they're just friends, co-workers, fill in the blanks. 

My ex twice invited his women over for dinner. Both times he did this, it put the pieces of the puzzle together as I realized I had just catered a date for my husband. This happened not with one woman but two women, twice. And just to add a little more complexity to the trauma, the women would pretend to be my friend. One talked about how this crazy woman was accusing her of having an affair with the woman's husband. How could I possible accuse her after hearing about this other crazy woman, but I knew in my heart, that wife was not crazy. There is also a time with a different woman,  a friend called to say that Greg's paramour was having an affair with another man (while having her affair with my ex). Yes, two women turned out to be having affairs with other married men simultaneously as with my ex. Who has affairs with these kind of women? My ex, apparently. 

There were other women who would be so nice to me while carrying on with Greg...at least they didn't invite me to lunch, but there were lots of phone calls in front of me. And of course, they were just friends, how could I think otherwise? 

When the full blown affair would be exposed, the ex-husband always threatens suicide if I leave. Every single time he was caught, he threatened suicide. Once, he even brought me a box of straight edged razor blades so he wouldn't "do anything," How do I explain the fear I had?

 And now after several decades I realize there was no intention ever to commit suicide, he loves himself too much to ever hurt himself. Each threat a manipulation and each time he enjoyed the game he played and won. Winning is very important in his world, he cannot lose. 

How do I explain to someone that he emailed friends pretending to be me? I will never forget in 2008, getting an email from someone saying he was getting emails from me that didn't sound like me and two days later my daughter discovered he was having an affair. Which was crazier? The emails? The affair? The screenshots of all my emails, even to my cousins? Or that I was so busy taking care of our children I didn't notice how deep my ex-husband's psychological problems ran? These are questions I am not sure I want to answer. 

As my ex-husband was threatening suicide, he had the clarity to put all of our money and paychecks into an individual and remove his name from all the credit cards. He seemed to have a very clear eye on the future now that I look back with new insight. 

The one time I left I discovered that it isn't easy to get a job when you haven't worked in ten years. I couldn't get a job as a simple secretary, I was over-qualified with a college degree, I couldn't get a job as a cashier, I wasn't a local and the job needed to go to someone who had lived there for awhile, I couldn't get a job using my degree because I no longer had the skills to perform the job, funny thing about computers, you don't use them for a decade and the most you can manage is an email and finding a website...

The craziest part is I didn't find out how twisted my ex-husband is until the divorce. Covid reared its ugly head a short time after I filed for divorce and added a whole new level of insanity...All this took place while living in the same house.  Two years with the epidemic as he fought the divorce acting like he wanted to be married, asking questions about if Matthew rowed that day or if I used a card kit to make a card, and if I would go ride my bicycle to see if he pumped the tires correctly. But what he was doing was documenting things for court...I had used the rowing machine (he kept a log of it without my knowledge) and he failed to tell his attorney it was part of my physical therapy for my neck and knee. He even took video from behind me showing me rowing (very very slowly rowing). The same with the bicycle, more video as I tested the tires on my little granny bicycle. Therefore proving nothing is physically wrong with me...even though there is medical documentation and multiple surgeries. All this to prove to the court I could support myself making cards. Yep, you read that right, he didn't want to pay alimony even though we had agreed I would stay home, support his career, and raise our children.

On Christmas of 2018, the kids had noticed that again he had not got me a gift. Later the kids were being disrespectful so I decided to go catch my breath in the closet. Greg came and ordered me out of the closet and as the argument went sideways and he started disparaging a mutual acquaintance with the F word, I asked him to stop. And he hit me. The craziest part of this story is he actually asked this man to be a character witness for him in court. I cannot make these things up. 

In court, he testified I hit him and not only did I hit him that day, I hit  every few months in the chest. The monster inside, how did I never see it?  

Which brings me back to how do I tell anyone I willfully married this person? I thought he was better than me and I needed to better so he would be faithful. How do I say I finally realized I have worth and I am worth so much more than this kind of marriage and he is a fool for not appreciating what a great wife he had?

How do I answer people who ask why I am not dating or trying to date but instead joke I am a protestant nun? Do I tell the truth? Do I say I would really like to know what is like to be loved by a truly good man but I don't think I could ever trust someone again? I married someone who appeared to be a good man and he is not even close to being a good man. I don't think anyone wants to hear that. And the people I care most about in the world have judged me for staying married. 

Shame. It has a death grip.  

My First Prank

 I have successfully accomplished my first prank. Our student pastor loves real mail which is adorable because he is so young. He also likes Spiderman and puzzles...I decided to take these three loves and merge them into one after his wife told me about his delight of checking the mailbox every single day and how he waved the birthday card I sent her over his head in excitement over real mail.

Every week for three months I would send a card stamped with one letter spelling out "Happy Birthday" and 3-5 puzzle pieces attached. I used different church campuses for the return address and I printed because my handwriting is very distinctive. 

Over the months, I would hear his theories on who it was and cringe in horror as my printing was compared to a "Middle School Boy's writing" or "Someone using their left hand." (Praying my face wouldn't give away my embarrassment. And nope! It was my right hand and that is my true printing, now you know why I write in cursive). 

While I was in Poland, I incorporated an accomplice, let's call her, "Kati Bond." She mailed the cards while I was gone. I think my proudest moment of the prank is when I left the cards to be mailed disguised as a gift on the desk next to his for her to pickup to mail for me. NOT. A. CLUE did the young man have that the key to the BIG puzzle was right under his nose. 

It also helped he had no idea that all the mail here in our city goes to Birmingham for stamp cancellation before coming back and being delivered here in our little city. He was convinced the person lived in Birmingham and had an accomplice that lives here. 

On his birthday weekend, Kati Bond, dropped off the remaining puzzle pieces on his desk in front of all the students. (I was home recuperating from a minor procedure so the timing was perfect to not get caught). The plan was to reveal on his birthday who it was but one of the associate pastors found out I was behind it from his wife and convinced me to keep it going until the Youth Conference for the Big Reveal...so more letters with letters punched out for him spelling out "Motion Conference," "Who is it?" and "Revelation." The man was using Chat GBT or whatever that is called and getting a list of indecipherable names...awesome. 😎 

The Conference came, I brought the Shutterfly puzzle I had made with his picture and a message that read, "Guilty! Savage Susan." The Associate Pastor snuck it into his room while we were all at the Arena. (Now I have two partners in crime and this could be useful later in life). 

The Perfect Prank? Accomplished (and I thank the students who did not out Kati Bond as the culprit dropping off the puzzle), I will be honest, I was sure one of them would. 

And now, I am now going to go practice my printing as diligently as I practiced my handwriting as the middle school girl who wanted her cursive to be as pretty as her cousins. 

Late Night Thoughts

Another night of elusive sleep. Thoughts...thoughts. How can I get to sleep? What will bring me rest? God, El Hayyay, the God of my life. I want Him to be that so much and yet I fight the distance of disappointment with my earthly father knowing I was his disappointment. I wasn't a boy. I wasn't my brother.

I think about my kids and how much I love them, if they need anything if I can give it to them, I will...but they don't want me since the divorce. They have gone from hating their dad to loving their dad and hating me. How does that happen? But it doesn't matter, I still love them, I would still give them the moon if they would let me. But they won't let me. 

This brings me to God. Yahweh. How much more He must love me than I can possibly love my children. How can I overcome the distance my earthly father created with my Heavenly Father? How he must wait for His children to wait to come home because they want a relationship with Him the way I wait for my children to want a relationship with me. Lessons I have had to learn the hard way, by loving my children too much I became their doormat and scape goat. That is not a healthy relationship, for me or for them...especially for them. So I wait, as God waits. 

I should write this down, these deep thoughts, I'll do it first thing in the morning...but I wait too long. It's been a week since the elusive sleeps, the wisdom of the night has faded. There is an understanding that God loves me, really loves me. If I yearn for a relationship with children who don't want me, how much He must love me, and yet, it's still a fuzzy grasping and trying to claim what He has promised. 

Resting. Abiding. Trusting. Knowing His words are true, He has given me a place of quietness and rest and focusing on the promise of Jeremiah 21:16-17 for both of us. If I love them, how much more does He love us when we disappoint?

Ft Morgan, AL BeachTrip

 My thoughts while walking along the beach. "Life is like nature. There are stormy days. There are calm days. 

There are days like the ocean. You're peaceful but there are areas of sand from the storm like the water, you must gently flow around the mound.

And days after the storms, your breath is taken away by the most beautiful black shell, beauty you would never have seen without the storm bring it to shore."

Memory at lunch at The Sassy Bass: the song, Take it Easy by the Eagles was playing...so young, so long ago, when I dreamed of living life at the beach...and today. I am not living here but I am experiencing it. Life is unexpected, it has not turned out the way I planned it when I was planning my future.

But now, in this last period of my life, it is showing me who I was created to be. 

I am not living here at the beach, but I am experiencing life here, at the beach. 

I have weathered the storms, I've been beaten up against the rocks, I'm sashed up on the shore now. I hope people see me like the black shell, tossed but beautiful. 

Lord, You gave me a love to write. I have put the gift away in the drawer for so long that I don't know how to use the gift anymore. Abba, help me open the gift, help me to use it, let it flow from my heart to my pen. Unlock the words You have put in me. Unleash the joy I find in writing. May my pen flow like water, may the gift heal my heart, restore to me what has been gathering dust and turning to ash.

What's my Testimony?

Someone once told me my testimony reminded him of something CS Lewis said...Lewis described his journey coming to know Christ like going out on a motorcycle ride and coming back a Christian. 

I find my story to be like CS Lewis'. I had a beginning and then a slow drawing nearer to God. 

I was raised in a single parent home by a bipolar mother. My father was an alcoholic father. No one in my family went to church so God's name was a cursing word by the adults around me. I did not know of Jesus or of His love for me. I searched for feeling loved and being seen in all the wrong ways through my performance, other people, and unhealthy relationships. No one told me how God loved me in all of my sin and mess or what Jesus did for me at the cross so I could live with Him forever and know that love here, now. 

As a child, I remember looking at the stars and wondering if God glued them in the sky every night. God was showing Himself to me and so my slow journey began. 

In high school, I was one of those people who judged Christians as losers. I am sure God chuckled at that knowing what was in store for my life.  I must admit my foolishness and their wisdom.

While in College studying the Renaissance and Reformation, I became curious and I began looking for God. At the same time, life got a bit rough around me. My boyfriend of 5 years was killed by a drunk driver and my father was diagnosed with cancer. I was lost but God kept dropping little kisses of His love and kindness around me. I began creeping towards God very slowly and at some point, I cannot say when exactly, God became the essence for my life and living. I continue to learn more about His lovingkindness every day, I see His creativeness and attention to detail everywhere in nature and in the faces of His children. He is beautiful.

Over the years I have had many bumps and bruises with many miscarriages, a divorce, and deaths of friends and family, I was constantly moving and starting over as a military spouse, but God never left my side. He relentlessly pursued me dropping His kisses of kindness around me. His presence sustained me through all the pain and loss.

I found starting my day in prayer, worship, and reading His Word gave me strength when I felt weak. The reassurance of His love for me found in His word has helped me through every had situation life has thrown at me. Each time I sit down and am quiet with God, He speaks exactly the words of encouragement I need. When lift my eyes up to Him, He shows me who He is, and all the panic and anxiety is replaced by the perfect peace He promises to those who honor Him, 

God has kept me surrounded with Christian friends who are His hands and feet of love to me. He gives  me joy and peace which transcends all understanding on the good days and the bad.  Jesus promises this to all who follow Him. 

My Heavenly Father gave me these words of promise during my divorce:

"Then justice will dwell in the wilderness;
    and righteousness will remain in the fruitful field.
17 The work of righteousness will be peace,
    and the effect of righteousness, quietness and confidence forever.
18 My people will live in a peaceful habitation,
    in safe dwellings, and in quiet resting places," (Isaiah 32:16-18)

And God has done this for me. This is my journey. 

Recitals and Lost Things

 Twirly dresses, shoes that make noise, big bow in the half pony tail. Barney marathons...

I went to a recital today. I remembered other recitals, ratings of superior from competitions. 

I hear a baby cry today. I remembered my sweet girl on the floor in the little apartment as I recorded her kicking her feet to the classical music. 

I remember a dance recital when you were 3 and the boy with Downs Syndrome was scared and she took his hand and got him through it. 

I remember her visiting her great-grandmother and tenderly putting lotion on her hand. 

I remember how much she wanted to ice skate. I remember driving her to Kettering when we finally lived some place she could take lessons...the trip to the outdoor rink in Atlanta was a bust and trips after Macon Whoopie games sporadic...although there was a rink in Montgomery but we weren't there very long  and one time she skated while visiting her Grandma in Wichita, this made the long drive to KS worth it. 

I remember rainy days and tea parties and watching Pride and Prejudice. 

I remember "making a run to the border" on Fridays for our Taco Bell lunch. 

I remember Bible Study and Chick Fil A. 

I remembered driving her to Macon, Cedarville, and Salem for the piano lessons. Driving for dance lessons, driving to Awana, driving to Cheerleading...driving...

I remember her learning to drive in VA...on Garrisonville Rd...telling her she was too far to the right. She didn't believe me. She believed me when the passenger mirror hit the other cars' driver mirror. Ooops.

Today, I saw a blonde boy in a vest with his guitar at the recital. I remembered the little boy that just HAD to have a guitar. He lasted about 5 lessons.

I remember the little boy who wanted to play hockey since he was 4 and at 6 he got a try hockey for free. He hated the swim practices I had signed him up for and loved the Learn to Play hockey. 

I remembered the vest as he ice skated his way through competitions. The ice skating came in handy for the hockey. More driving. 

I remember him with his tool box staying occupied during his sister's dance dress rehearsal and the squirming at the recital.

I remember stitches in the head from climbing things, slipping, and being the object of his sister's wrath. I remember broken bones and sleeping in the recliner with the ice machine.

I remember him meowing like a cat when waking up from dental work. 

I remember driving miles and miles for his hockey in rain, snow, moonless nights, but oh, the conversation was priceless. 

I talked to a friend after today's recital about her chemistry homework. I remembered my other blonde child's love of biology and her trying to teach me the periodic table. I remembered the little girl with the power points of her favorite animals. The drives to the ice rink with her talking and explaining science and other topics. 

I remember Blue Bear who had to travel with us everywhere. 

I remember nursing you and you would hear a plane, point to the sky, and say, "See? See?" You couldn't see the plane but you could hear it...hearing equaled seeing.

I remember your Pillsbuy doughboy laugh coming from the backseat. My heart melted.

I remember my spring bulbs never coming to fruition because the little blonde had picked them all and scattered the petals across the lawn or made "soup" with them. 

I remember a little girl who danced so well she was promoted up, not winning me any points with the dance moms who had daughters not promoted up...but she refused to dance any more. Why? She hated recitals.

I remember her swim lessons. She could swim forever. Watching her run was like seeing a gazelle in the wild. She picked up a bow, shot an arrow and was asked to join the archery team. She was a natural athlete but preferred to read a book. It's funny how gifted she was athletically, if she had the desire, she could have gone far, especially with hockey...but did I mention how she preferred a book? I liked she had an inquisitive mind. 

I remember a picture of this science-girl in an ice skating outfit holding her hockey stick carrying her hockey bag...oh, and the picture of her in a dress with her stick and bag. Unique. 

More driving for this child, too. Her hockey games required sttanding next to the ice in the penalty box until 10 at night. I loved it. She had grit...and then...More driving,

I remember Tuesday nights leaving the rink and picking up Chinese to watch NCIS with the girl who would know all the lines and quote them by heart. 

I remember the girl who made sure I had my water before I did all the shuttling to the ice rink...the girl who would text lunch orders from school, who wanted a ride to school even when we lived next to the school, or would text wanting to come home early because she had all her work done. 

I remember her love of soup...from her first soup at Panera in MA as a one year old to the girl who wanted homemade soup so much I bought a cookbook with 300 soup recipes. 

I loved being their mom. 

I remember. They don't.

Lost things. 

Tea Party For One, Please

 A Pride and Prejudice Tea Party, this is the stuff a tea lover and bibliophile get excited about...but when the event is full for a party of 6, what does a P&P girl do? Book a party of one! I will be taking a copy of Pride and Prejudice as my date and delight in the solitude. 

I am spreading my wings, enjoying life, living out of my comfort zone. Elizabeth Bennett would be so proud of me. 

I spread out my passport and told God, "Fill it up with stamps." He answered and I will be getting my first passport stamps in 42 years. My first mission trip to Poland. I thought the mission organizers were making all the arrangements until last Saturday when I discovered they are only making the arrangements from Berlin to Poland. Big Gulp. I am responsible for getting to the rental car area at the Berlin Airport by May 20 at 4 p.m. Big gulp. A bit of panic. Then I realized, "Yes! I can do this!" (I had it in my mind that I would be with a group and I could follow the crowd and learn to navigate international travel so I could do my long desired Viking River Cruise at some point in the future). Things changed, I will be learning to do this one on my own. And then...I remembered, "I can do all things through Christ Jesus who strengthens me." Yep, I got this.

New season of life, new adventures, and tea parties for one...life is good. 

My New Vocation

As the divorce dragged on and on during Covid, my children declared I was in need of a Sugar Daddy to take care of me after the divorce (I was one of those unicorns who stayed home and supported the husband's career and moved all over the country). A Sugar Daddy didn't hold much (any) appeal to me and I declared I was going to be a Protestant Nun. I like God. I like God a lot.  I proclaimed to my children I would begin my own order of non-denominational nuns. I pride myself on the wit God gave me (but as in all things, there is truth behind our words). The problem with my wit is not many people get my jokes. 

Today, my church launched a new campus and I serve as part of the prayer team, nothing physical...just praying with and for people...After our launch today, I discovered I might have to rethink my career as a Protestant nun. I came home and was asleep within minutes of sitting down. I had turned on Emma and I don't think Mr. Knightley even appeared before I was asleep. 

Do they retire nuns? I have a feeling this Protestant Nun should be retired...along with my jokes.

Anyone know where to find Mr. Knightley?

Let's Talk About...Adam

I could do a whole blog on Adam's failings...I should do that. I would like to dive deep into how his silence made such a mess of a beautiful thing he had going...a beautiful wife, a great garden, intimate walks with his Creator, beautiful animals he got to name...and now men stand silently and blame their wives for their mistakes. We will start with the latter behavior...Why? My ex blamed me for starting one of his affairs because...he was mad at me. Yep, I quote, "I was mad at you." 

I have so much to say on Adam...I will have to come back to this topic. I have a Small Group tomorrow and I need to get to bed. But I will be back...I completely agree with the words sin came through Adam and I am not letting him off the hook for blaming Eve.

Saving Eve

 Life has finally found a rhythm for me. I am enjoying the new life I am living. I am enjoying my friends. I am enjoying my church. I am enjoying every moment. I am enjoying being a self-appointed non-Catholic nun. 

During the long tortuous divorce (never file for a divorce right before a pandemic hits and closes the courts and confines you to the same house for almost two years...never mind, let's not go there), my sanity came from spending 2-3 hours with God each and every morning. It is the only thing that kept me from sinking into a depression. Every morning, His promises were made new to me. His light would push out the darkness...His names became real to me. His truths protected me. I am so unbelievably grateful. 

I am so grateful to God for His promise to uphold me with His righteous right hand. He held me up during the deposition, mediation, and two days in court and all the days in between and those that followed. 

God tells us to remember. I will never forget how good He was to show me that I have value. I think the hardest part of the divorce was hearing in court how little value I had to the person I was married to for 34 years. Greg took me to court simply because he didn't want to pay alimony. It wasn't because he was despondent that I wanted to undo the marriage, it is because he deemed me as worthless. I kind of figured that out after a few affairs that I had no value in his eyes. But God...

During and after the divorce, it was time to do some serious soul-searching. How did I get into this mess of a marriage? Why did I stay so long? 

And it all goes back to Eve. Yes, Eve in the garden. Eve being deceived in the garden while her husband stood silently not saying a word. Eve's always gotten a bad rap for her role in the Fall of Man. Yes, she misspoke God's actual words but hey, she wasn't even around when God gave the words to Adam to not eat from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. She emerged from Adam later...but something about Eve the enemy zeroed in on...He didn't talk to Adam who stood right next to Eve. He talked to Eve. Eve fell for Satan's deception hook, line, and sinker...and we have been paying the price for believing lies and living our lives trapped in the lie. 

God didn't ask Eve where she was, He asked Adam where he was. Right here, this tells me that God held Adam responsible for the Fall of Man (and well, God backs up my theory later when He says sin came through one man, Adam). Adam was the first man to fail his family as the spiritual leader. However, I am digressing but not at the same time. (My ex was definitely NOT a spiritual leader or any kind of leader which is really weird since he was a trained professional "leader.")

My soul searching through prayer, reading, and trauma therapy has opened my eyes to the truth, I have worth. My ex-husband's cheating was not because of me, it is not a reflection of me...it is his problem, and one day, I hope he will deal with the problem and find that the hole he is trying to fill can't be filled by anyone but God. 

My problem is I believed the lie I have no value and I lived as if I had no value. I twisted and turned myself into a pretzel trying to be a woman worthy of being faithful to and I was her all along. I am not unattractive, I have a sense of humor, I am very affectionate, I kept a good house, I am a good cook, I picked up and moved my life at the military's whim, I was great at packing boxes, and getting the family settled in each new place making home after home after home. I was a great wife and as my ex testified in court, an excellent mother.

So why did I believe the lie? That is where Mother Eve comes into my story. She was deceived she didn't have enough and I was deceived into believing I wasn't enough. 

I am unbelievably sad about all the years I have lost because I lived feeling insignificant, working so hard to be loved by the person who promised to love me faithfully. But God...

God is redeeming all this loss of time for me. I am healing. I have peace. I have the most amazing friends old and new. 

As I move into my new life, I am privileged to lead women in Small Groups so they can receive the healing I have found, I am honored to be able to lead middle school girls so they know now they have value. They are beautiful They are worth being faithful to by their husband and they should never ever try to earn someone's love. 

My Children In 2004

 I was looking for Christmas decorations and found some papers at the bottom of the box. Back in 2004, I somehow found time to write down my children's personalities. It was a bittersweet moment to read now that they are all grown up and the nest is very empty. I want to preserve these thoughts lest the papers go astray once again. I wish I had written more. 

Hannah There are all sorts of cute things you do during the day to write about but now it is the end of the day and I have a few things to write down on paper.

You love your boots...Rain boots, snow boots, red cowboy boots, it doesn't matter...you love your boots.

You wear your boots so much you got athlete's foot last Spring. We had to spray your feet every morning and evening.

You love your brother but you have a few jealous moments. The other day you wanted me to get him off my lap and put him in his playpen. You kept patting the playpen and saying, "Pen. Pen." When I didn't put him in, you clapped your hands and stretched out your ams to take him. I think you were going to put him in the playpen yourself. (Looking back now, I should have called you, "Miss Bossy Boots.")

You love to help around the house. Sometimes too much...

You love baths and showers. If you hear the word shower or bath, you start stripping. You will jump in with whoever is bathing in addition to your own bath. 

You used to hate showers. You used to scream if we put you in the shower. Now that our new house has clear doors, I am not sure why you didn't like the enclosed space created by shower curtains. 

You hate heavy rain and car washes. Daddy and I went to the car wash and as we drove through the car wash, you started screaming. We had to use car washes where you get out and the car goes through without occupants in the vehicle. The car had a window so you could watch the car go through and you were quite delighted with this feature. I am not sure you will ever be able to sit in a car going through a car wash.

You have a very stubborn streak. When you getting trouble, you'll point your finger at whomever is chastising you and look ver sternly at them. Your dad used to yell your name and point his finger at you when you disobeyed and I am guessing that is where you learned this behavior. 

You are increasing your vocabulary every day and even forming sentences and questions. You used to say, "Tweet. Tweet" when you saw a bird. Now, you say, "Bird." Oh! and for a long time, everything was a duck. 

You are counting to ten and know about 1/2 your letters and most of the colors in the crayon box.

You love music, you love to dance, and you like to kick things with your feet. Your dad thinks you'll be a soccer player (you turned out a figure skater and hockey player which I guess uses both things you loved then, your feet and boots, although you were a phenomenal swimmer when you learned). 

You love to go outside (you even did this as a teenager, you would get a blanket and head to the porch with your phone and tea). 

You love your tennis shoes. Shoes mean you're going outside and that I think in your mind equates to freedom. 

When we drive by McDonalds's, you say, "Going to eat?" It's kind of slurred but we can make out what you're saying. 

You are very cute but you do wear us out. 

Lauren added this to my paper:

 You also have your entourage. All your stuffed animals go to bed. They also come downstairs when you wake. Unfortunately, I (Sissy) have to share my bed with you for awhile, so I barely have room to sleep. 

You always say, "Roo, help." You have your bear, dog, 4 beanie babies, Mom's 80s Garfield, bitty baby, blank, and Matthew's Clifford!

Matthew 

My First Love

I have fallen in love with two fictional characters. Mr. Darcy, of course, and Mr. Thornton from Elizabeth Gaskell's novel, North and South. Today, we are going to discuss my love for Mr. Thornton.

Last night, after watching the mini-series of North and South, and admiring Richard Armitage's eyes as he looks with love at Margaret, I wished someone would love me like that. I have done the same with Mr. Darcy, is there love in the world like that for me.

Sometime during the night, I realized I do have that love I desired. God loves me the way Mr. Thornton loves Margaret. I began thinking of my favorite scenes and I could see how they each applied to God's love for me. 

My favorite scene, naturally, is the end at the Railway Station (not the ending of the book but we will get to that later), when Mr. Thornton sees Margaret, his look of pure love for her melts my heart...and that is how God looks at me. He looks at me as if I am the only person in the world. His softness towards Margaret melts my heart, the gentle assuring holding of her hand is how God sustains me. 

The proposal scene in the mini-series is choppy due to bad editing...I will have to speak to the editors about this...but I will fill in the blanks here. Margaret enters the room, Mr. Thornton (nervous0 speaks of the color of the fruit. He is informed the fruit is for her sick mother. Mr. Thornton shares his love and passion when he proposes to Margaret and she rejects him as I have rejected God so many times when he has shared His love for me. Despite the rejection by Margaret, he begins to send the best, absolute best fruit to her mother, as God continues to care for those around me regardless of how I have treated him. 

Margaret's brother comes during the mother's illness and he is wanted by the law for mutiny. His visit has to be absolute secret. Another railway scene Margaret embraces and kisses her brother goodbye, but is seen by Mr. Thornton. Margaret lies to the police to protect her brother. Mr. Thornton knows she lies and is unaware who she was embracing. He saw the impropriety of her being with a stranger, alone at night, and when called upon to impose the law as magistrate, he covers her sin as Jesus covers my sin, without question, without confrontation, out of love for her father, not for anything she has done...she didn't earn his protection and he had no expectation of receiving love for it, he covers it as it never happened.

Scene after scene has Margaret making accusations against Mr. Thornton out of limited knowledge just as I have made against God when things don't happen the way I think they should happen. In their first encounter Mr. Thornton disciplines a mill worker for smoking in the mill. Margaret sees this and judges Mr. Thonton. Mr. Thornton had seen what a fire could do to a mill, just the previous Spring, he had seen 300 corpses laid out on a hill, many of them children, because of an accidental fire. In another scene, she accuses Mr. Thornton of his fortune and good luck, unaware of his father's suicide from speculation and how Mr. Thornton was taken out of school to toil working to pay off his father's debt and begin running a mill. I cannot count the times I have judged God in situations where I do not know all the circumstances. I have done this to people, people have done this to me. And still, Mr. Thornton loves Margaret after all her rebukes. 

As Margaret sees Mr. Thornton's behavior and hears from others of his integrity, her heart softens and she sees him as the kind man of honor that he is. I feel this is the same for me and God. God has been so kind to me when I have been petulant and impulsive. He continues to love me unwaveringly. His love for me is steadfast. 

I am so thankful for this revelation that I am loved. I no longer have to plot how to bump into Richard Armitage, inspire him to love me with my witty conversation, despite my being 10 years older and his being in a man to man relationship. I already have this love from God, this gentle kind love. I only need to open my hands and receive it. 

God may not have been my first love, but He loves me like I am His first love...and He is my only love. 

I'm back. Different. Older. Wiser.

 It has been awhile since I have blogged. Matthew went away to Prep School. Hannah to College. Lauren is a grown up with a grown up job. I am divorced. So, life is different. Very different.

Life is good. I enjoy every day. I am so incredibly blessed. Life is simple. I have wonderful friends. I am a tourist around the city. I have a wonderful church. What more could I want? 

Tonight is lovely. My feet are up, I have tea, a soft blanket, and Mr. Darcy is looking across the room at Miss Elizabeth Bennett. 

I am growing into the person I have always wanted to be. Lunch with friends, walks with friends, movie with friends, touring the City, time to read books, this is me. This is my life. Life is good. 

The Year in Review 2020

Is this year even worth reviewing? 2020 make one think of a year of clear vision. I think the year 2020 and clear vision is more of an oxymoron. It has been a full year since I last posted so I will do a 10 Second Year in Review:

Let's begin. I file for divorce. COVID locks everything down. Matthew is sent home with school closures. Hannah's senior ends abruptly with no prom. Her class graduation is held with half the class participating in a ceremony and the other half in a ceremony held afterward. I have neck surgery...second major surgery in less than a year. Summer is spent cooped up and going out only to ride my bicycle, go to appointments, or go to the grocery store.

The kids and I did take a trip to the beach for Lauren's birthday. This was a nice break to life. 

I have missed the beach and as part of my fresh start, I handed my card to the girls and said, "Book it." They did. I ignored Greg's protest of using the charge card. If he would have just signed the divorce papers, this wouldn't even be an issue. (And yes, he is still dragging the divorce out...looks like court will be the next stop). I am hoping this will be over by Spring. 

Matthew's Thanksgiving  Break was canceled due to the two week quarantine period for travelers. But...we did get him home a week earlier than anticipated. Silver lining to the cloud of COVID.

A funny thing with Matthew's return was he came in to say good morning and was wearing his mask. He did this two mornings in a row. He was so conditioned to putting on his mask before leaving the dorm room, he put it on out of habit. He even commented one day about how weird it was to be able to walk around without a mask in the house. 

Another bright spot to the kids is both did extremely well in school despite the COVID obstacles they have had to overcome. And Lauren kept her job even though Boeing had to layoff so many employees. This was a really difficult part of her work, knowing how wonderful these people are and seeing them be laid off. Her life was brightened by rescuing and adopting Maya, the great hunter (a pointer/lab mix) who loves to cover Lauren's faces in kisses. 

Speaking of school, I am taking a class at Highlands College for my personal growth. The experience has been a true gift in helping my spirit stay quiet during all the turmoil of the past year. 

I am facing another neck surgery and last week I had hand surgery. Aging needs to come with a warning label. My organs are going to live forever, my framework is shot. I am like a car with a well-oiled engine but 4 flat tires. 

That about sums up 2020. I cannot even imagine what 2021 has in store. Zombie Apocalypse, anyone?

Social Media Steals

Open. Delete. Open. Delete...and so it goes...Matthew was going through my photos and as I glanced over his shoulder, I could see a lot of screenshots I have taken of my daughters' social media. I don't really need to keep the screenshots but they do remind me of funny things they have said or done. What to do with the screenshots? Oh, I know! Put them on the blog so I won't lose them but I can delete off my computer and free up some space for future stolen screenshots. 😆

Getting my Mac

I got my Mac laptop after years of saving, it took a Christmas bonus to actually put it in my hot little hands...hockey or a kid something would always dip into my saving...so here we are...me on the couch trying to navigate my way into getting my current contacts loaded. My old contacts keep loading...so weird. Contacts from 6 and 7 years keep loading. I could swear there is smoke coming out of my ears. I spent the morning at the Apple Store taking Mac Part 1. I think I remember three things. I have a feeling I am about to become a permanent feature of the Apple Store.

My plan is to catch up on pictures of the kids...electronics have somehow led me away from printing pictures. I need to do some printing, some editing...some uploading...in general, capture my kids' teen years so they won't think I didn't love them. Wish me luck...the way this evening is going they may end up deleted.

I do love this Mac....'cause I can do this...😂👌🏼❤️😍💕 and so much more...

My Christmas Present

Hello and Merry Christmas-ish! I know it is eleven days until Christmas but I finally have my Mac laptop. After years of saving, Greg bought me the Mac with his bonus. Yay!

My first post will be of the first pictures I downloaded to the new computer. The photos are my Christmas present from Lauren. I had a wall that was crying for a photo collage of my three blessings. The tough part will be narrowing the pictures down to fit on the wall. I think the photographer took 180 pictures and they are ALL great. The pictures capture the blessings' personalities so well. This is going to be tough...I will share some so you can see how tough this is going be to whittle down to fit to canvas prints for a wall.

I went along to watch the photo shoot and as we were getting out of the car Matthew's words to me were, "You're not going to be in them, are you?" My stylish son was probably sizing up my lack of makeup, un-styled hair, and old age...The photographer's question was, "You're going to be in these, right?" Ummm...no. Not stylin' today and not feelin' photogenic....so yeah, there are a few of me at the end of the session and I am glad I did it even though I wasn't quite as beautiful as the young people...I am still debating about publishing...It's late, I'm tired, and I am going to bed. It has been a really long day....more about that later.

Pictures were taken by Kasey Leigh Photography