This seems to be the question, people ask or want to ask but feel its rude to ask and maybe it is...I am not sure. I do know it's an impossible question to answer without embarrassment and wondering how they will look at you if you are truthful.
The truth that everyone close to me knew was my ex-husband was unfaithful, not just a once way of unfaithful, but what turned out to be a lifestyle of unfaithfulness. They knew we did years of marital counseling. The thing I couldn't see was the sickness in him that had absolutely nothing to do with infidelity or his depression. It is something I cannot even name because I am not sure there is even a name for it.
The lying, the gaslighting, it was a way of life. When I approached the subject of the unfaithfulness, I was told I was crazy for imagining the adultery, they're just friends, co-workers, fill in the blanks.
My ex twice invited his women over for dinner. Both times he did this, it put the pieces of the puzzle together as I realized I had just catered a date for my husband. This happened not with one woman but two women, twice. And just to add a little more complexity to the trauma, the women would pretend to be my friend. One talked about how this crazy woman was accusing her of having an affair with the woman's husband. How could I possible accuse her after hearing about this other crazy woman, but I knew in my heart, that wife was not crazy. There is also a time with a different woman, a friend called to say that Greg's paramour was having an affair with another man (while having her affair with my ex). Yes, two women turned out to be having affairs with other married men simultaneously as with my ex. Who has affairs with these kind of women? My ex, apparently.
There were other women who would be so nice to me while carrying on with Greg...at least they didn't invite me to lunch, but there were lots of phone calls in front of me. And of course, they were just friends, how could I think otherwise?
When the full blown affair would be exposed, the ex-husband always threatens suicide if I leave. Every single time he was caught, he threatened suicide. Once, he even brought me a box of straight edged razor blades so he wouldn't "do anything," How do I explain the fear I had?
And now after several decades I realize there was no intention ever to commit suicide, he loves himself too much to ever hurt himself. Each threat a manipulation and each time he enjoyed the game he played and won. Winning is very important in his world, he cannot lose.
How do I explain to someone that he emailed friends pretending to be me? I will never forget in 2008, getting an email from someone saying he was getting emails from me that didn't sound like me and two days later my daughter discovered he was having an affair. Which was crazier? The emails? The affair? The screenshots of all my emails, even to my cousins? Or that I was so busy taking care of our children I didn't notice how deep my ex-husband's psychological problems ran? These are questions I am not sure I want to answer.
As my ex-husband was threatening suicide, he had the clarity to put all of our money and paychecks into an individual and remove his name from all the credit cards. He seemed to have a very clear eye on the future now that I look back with new insight.
The one time I left I discovered that it isn't easy to get a job when you haven't worked in ten years. I couldn't get a job as a simple secretary, I was over-qualified with a college degree, I couldn't get a job as a cashier, I wasn't a local and the job needed to go to someone who had lived there for awhile, I couldn't get a job using my degree because I no longer had the skills to perform the job, funny thing about computers, you don't use them for a decade and the most you can manage is an email and finding a website...
The craziest part is I didn't find out how twisted my ex-husband is until the divorce. Covid reared its ugly head a short time after I filed for divorce and added a whole new level of insanity...All this took place while living in the same house. Two years with the epidemic as he fought the divorce acting like he wanted to be married, asking questions about if Matthew rowed that day or if I used a card kit to make a card, and if I would go ride my bicycle to see if he pumped the tires correctly. But what he was doing was documenting things for court...I had used the rowing machine (he kept a log of it without my knowledge) and he failed to tell his attorney it was part of my physical therapy for my neck and knee. He even took video from behind me showing me rowing (very very slowly rowing). The same with the bicycle, more video as I tested the tires on my little granny bicycle. Therefore proving nothing is physically wrong with me...even though there is medical documentation and multiple surgeries. All this to prove to the court I could support myself making cards. Yep, you read that right, he didn't want to pay alimony even though we had agreed I would stay home, support his career, and raise our children.
On Christmas of 2018, the kids had noticed that again he had not got me a gift. Later the kids were being disrespectful so I decided to go catch my breath in the closet. Greg came and ordered me out of the closet and as the argument went sideways and he started disparaging a mutual acquaintance with the F word, I asked him to stop. And he hit me. The craziest part of this story is he actually asked this man to be a character witness for him in court. I cannot make these things up.
In court, he testified I hit him and not only did I hit him that day, I hit every few months in the chest. The monster inside, how did I never see it?
Which brings me back to how do I tell anyone I willfully married this person? I thought he was better than me and I needed to better so he would be faithful. How do I say I finally realized I have worth and I am worth so much more than this kind of marriage and he is a fool for not appreciating what a great wife he had?
How do I answer people who ask why I am not dating or trying to date but instead joke I am a protestant nun? Do I tell the truth? Do I say I would really like to know what is like to be loved by a truly good man but I don't think I could ever trust someone again? I married someone who appeared to be a good man and he is not even close to being a good man. I don't think anyone wants to hear that. And the people I care most about in the world have judged me for staying married.
Shame. It has a death grip.
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