My First Love

I have fallen in love with two fictional characters. Mr. Darcy, of course, and Mr. Thornton from Elizabeth Gaskell's novel, North and South. Today, we are going to discuss my love for Mr. Thornton.

Last night, after watching the mini-series of North and South, and admiring Richard Armitage's eyes as he looks with love at Margaret, I wished someone would love me like that. I have done the same with Mr. Darcy, is there love in the world like that for me.

Sometime during the night, I realized I do have that love I desired. God loves me the way Mr. Thornton loves Margaret. I began thinking of my favorite scenes and I could see how they each applied to God's love for me. 

My favorite scene, naturally, is the end at the Railway Station (not the ending of the book but we will get to that later), when Mr. Thornton sees Margaret, his look of pure love for her melts my heart...and that is how God looks at me. He looks at me as if I am the only person in the world. His softness towards Margaret melts my heart, the gentle assuring holding of her hand is how God sustains me. 

The proposal scene in the mini-series is choppy due to bad editing...I will have to speak to the editors about this...but I will fill in the blanks here. Margaret enters the room, Mr. Thornton (nervous0 speaks of the color of the fruit. He is informed the fruit is for her sick mother. Mr. Thornton shares his love and passion when he proposes to Margaret and she rejects him as I have rejected God so many times when he has shared His love for me. Despite the rejection by Margaret, he begins to send the best, absolute best fruit to her mother, as God continues to care for those around me regardless of how I have treated him. 

Margaret's brother comes during the mother's illness and he is wanted by the law for mutiny. His visit has to be absolute secret. Another railway scene Margaret embraces and kisses her brother goodbye, but is seen by Mr. Thornton. Margaret lies to the police to protect her brother. Mr. Thornton knows she lies and is unaware who she was embracing. He saw the impropriety of her being with a stranger, alone at night, and when called upon to impose the law as magistrate, he covers her sin as Jesus covers my sin, without question, without confrontation, out of love for her father, not for anything she has done...she didn't earn his protection and he had no expectation of receiving love for it, he covers it as it never happened.

Scene after scene has Margaret making accusations against Mr. Thornton out of limited knowledge just as I have made against God when things don't happen the way I think they should happen. In their first encounter Mr. Thornton disciplines a mill worker for smoking in the mill. Margaret sees this and judges Mr. Thonton. Mr. Thornton had seen what a fire could do to a mill, just the previous Spring, he had seen 300 corpses laid out on a hill, many of them children, because of an accidental fire. In another scene, she accuses Mr. Thornton of his fortune and good luck, unaware of his father's suicide from speculation and how Mr. Thornton was taken out of school to toil working to pay off his father's debt and begin running a mill. I cannot count the times I have judged God in situations where I do not know all the circumstances. I have done this to people, people have done this to me. And still, Mr. Thornton loves Margaret after all her rebukes. 

As Margaret sees Mr. Thornton's behavior and hears from others of his integrity, her heart softens and she sees him as the kind man of honor that he is. I feel this is the same for me and God. God has been so kind to me when I have been petulant and impulsive. He continues to love me unwaveringly. His love for me is steadfast. 

I am so thankful for this revelation that I am loved. I no longer have to plot how to bump into Richard Armitage, inspire him to love me with my witty conversation, despite my being 10 years older and his being in a man to man relationship. I already have this love from God, this gentle kind love. I only need to open my hands and receive it. 

God may not have been my first love, but He loves me like I am His first love...and He is my only love. 

I'm back. Different. Older. Wiser.

 It has been awhile since I have blogged. Matthew went away to Prep School. Hannah to College. Lauren is a grown up with a grown up job. I am divorced. So, life is different. Very different.

Life is good. I enjoy every day. I am so incredibly blessed. Life is simple. I have wonderful friends. I am a tourist around the city. I have a wonderful church. What more could I want? 

Tonight is lovely. My feet are up, I have tea, a soft blanket, and Mr. Darcy is looking across the room at Miss Elizabeth Bennett. 

I am growing into the person I have always wanted to be. Lunch with friends, walks with friends, movie with friends, touring the City, time to read books, this is me. This is my life. Life is good. 

The Year in Review 2020

Is this year even worth reviewing? 2020 make one think of a year of clear vision. I think the year 2020 and clear vision is more of an oxymoron. It has been a full year since I last posted so I will do a 10 Second Year in Review:

Let's begin. I file for divorce. COVID locks everything down. Matthew is sent home with school closures. Hannah's senior ends abruptly with no prom. Her class graduation is held with half the class participating in a ceremony and the other half in a ceremony held afterward. I have neck surgery...second major surgery in less than a year. Summer is spent cooped up and going out only to ride my bicycle, go to appointments, or go to the grocery store.

The kids and I did take a trip to the beach for Lauren's birthday. This was a nice break to life. 

I have missed the beach and as part of my fresh start, I handed my card to the girls and said, "Book it." They did. I ignored Greg's protest of using the charge card. If he would have just signed the divorce papers, this wouldn't even be an issue. (And yes, he is still dragging the divorce out...looks like court will be the next stop). I am hoping this will be over by Spring. 

Matthew's Thanksgiving  Break was canceled due to the two week quarantine period for travelers. But...we did get him home a week earlier than anticipated. Silver lining to the cloud of COVID.

A funny thing with Matthew's return was he came in to say good morning and was wearing his mask. He did this two mornings in a row. He was so conditioned to putting on his mask before leaving the dorm room, he put it on out of habit. He even commented one day about how weird it was to be able to walk around without a mask in the house. 

Another bright spot to the kids is both did extremely well in school despite the COVID obstacles they have had to overcome. And Lauren kept her job even though Boeing had to layoff so many employees. This was a really difficult part of her work, knowing how wonderful these people are and seeing them be laid off. Her life was brightened by rescuing and adopting Maya, the great hunter (a pointer/lab mix) who loves to cover Lauren's faces in kisses. 

Speaking of school, I am taking a class at Highlands College for my personal growth. The experience has been a true gift in helping my spirit stay quiet during all the turmoil of the past year. 

I am facing another neck surgery and last week I had hand surgery. Aging needs to come with a warning label. My organs are going to live forever, my framework is shot. I am like a car with a well-oiled engine but 4 flat tires. 

That about sums up 2020. I cannot even imagine what 2021 has in store. Zombie Apocalypse, anyone?

Social Media Steals

Open. Delete. Open. Delete...and so it goes...Matthew was going through my photos and as I glanced over his shoulder, I could see a lot of screenshots I have taken of my daughters' social media. I don't really need to keep the screenshots but they do remind me of funny things they have said or done. What to do with the screenshots? Oh, I know! Put them on the blog so I won't lose them but I can delete off my computer and free up some space for future stolen screenshots. 😆

Getting my Mac

I got my Mac laptop after years of saving, it took a Christmas bonus to actually put it in my hot little hands...hockey or a kid something would always dip into my saving...so here we are...me on the couch trying to navigate my way into getting my current contacts loaded. My old contacts keep loading...so weird. Contacts from 6 and 7 years keep loading. I could swear there is smoke coming out of my ears. I spent the morning at the Apple Store taking Mac Part 1. I think I remember three things. I have a feeling I am about to become a permanent feature of the Apple Store.

My plan is to catch up on pictures of the kids...electronics have somehow led me away from printing pictures. I need to do some printing, some editing...some uploading...in general, capture my kids' teen years so they won't think I didn't love them. Wish me luck...the way this evening is going they may end up deleted.

I do love this Mac....'cause I can do this...😂👌🏼❤️😍💕 and so much more...

My Christmas Present

Hello and Merry Christmas-ish! I know it is eleven days until Christmas but I finally have my Mac laptop. After years of saving, Greg bought me the Mac with his bonus. Yay!

My first post will be of the first pictures I downloaded to the new computer. The photos are my Christmas present from Lauren. I had a wall that was crying for a photo collage of my three blessings. The tough part will be narrowing the pictures down to fit on the wall. I think the photographer took 180 pictures and they are ALL great. The pictures capture the blessings' personalities so well. This is going to be tough...I will share some so you can see how tough this is going be to whittle down to fit to canvas prints for a wall.

I went along to watch the photo shoot and as we were getting out of the car Matthew's words to me were, "You're not going to be in them, are you?" My stylish son was probably sizing up my lack of makeup, un-styled hair, and old age...The photographer's question was, "You're going to be in these, right?" Ummm...no. Not stylin' today and not feelin' photogenic....so yeah, there are a few of me at the end of the session and I am glad I did it even though I wasn't quite as beautiful as the young people...I am still debating about publishing...It's late, I'm tired, and I am going to bed. It has been a really long day....more about that later.

Pictures were taken by Kasey Leigh Photography