My New Vocation

As the divorce dragged on and on during Covid, my children declared I was in need of a Sugar Daddy to take care of me after the divorce (I was one of those unicorns who stayed home and supported the husband's career and moved all over the country). A Sugar Daddy didn't hold much (any) appeal to me and I declared I was going to be a Protestant Nun. I like God. I like God a lot.  I proclaimed to my children I would begin my own order of non-denominational nuns. I pride myself on the wit God gave me (but as in all things, there is truth behind our words). The problem with my wit is not many people get my jokes. 

Today, my church launched a new campus and I serve as part of the prayer team, nothing physical...just praying with and for people...After our launch today, I discovered I might have to rethink my career as a Protestant nun. I came home and was asleep within minutes of sitting down. I had turned on Emma and I don't think Mr. Knightley even appeared before I was asleep. 

Do they retire nuns? I have a feeling this Protestant Nun should be retired...along with my jokes.

Anyone know where to find Mr. Knightley?

Let's Talk About...Adam

I could do a whole blog on Adam's failings...I should do that. I would like to dive deep into how his silence made such a mess of a beautiful thing he had going...a beautiful wife, a great garden, intimate walks with his Creator, beautiful animals he got to name...and now men stand silently and blame their wives for their mistakes. We will start with the latter behavior...Why? My ex blamed me for starting one of his affairs because...he was mad at me. Yep, I quote, "I was mad at you." 

I have so much to say on Adam...I will have to come back to this topic. I have a Small Group tomorrow and I need to get to bed. But I will be back...I completely agree with the words sin came through Adam and I am not letting him off the hook for blaming Eve.

Saving Eve

 Life has finally found a rhythm for me. I am enjoying the new life I am living. I am enjoying my friends. I am enjoying my church. I am enjoying every moment. I am enjoying being a self-appointed non-Catholic nun. 

During the long tortuous divorce (never file for a divorce right before a pandemic hits and closes the courts and confines you to the same house for almost two years...never mind, let's not go there), my sanity came from spending 2-3 hours with God each and every morning. It is the only thing that kept me from sinking into a depression. Every morning, His promises were made new to me. His light would push out the darkness...His names became real to me. His truths protected me. I am so unbelievably grateful. 

I am so grateful to God for His promise to uphold me with His righteous right hand. He held me up during the deposition, mediation, and two days in court and all the days in between and those that followed. 

God tells us to remember. I will never forget how good He was to show me that I have value. I think the hardest part of the divorce was hearing in court how little value I had to the person I was married to for 34 years. Greg took me to court simply because he didn't want to pay alimony. It wasn't because he was despondent that I wanted to undo the marriage, it is because he deemed me as worthless. I kind of figured that out after a few affairs that I had no value in his eyes. But God...

During and after the divorce, it was time to do some serious soul-searching. How did I get into this mess of a marriage? Why did I stay so long? 

And it all goes back to Eve. Yes, Eve in the garden. Eve being deceived in the garden while her husband stood silently not saying a word. Eve's always gotten a bad rap for her role in the Fall of Man. Yes, she misspoke God's actual words but hey, she wasn't even around when God gave the words to Adam to not eat from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. She emerged from Adam later...but something about Eve the enemy zeroed in on...He didn't talk to Adam who stood right next to Eve. He talked to Eve. Eve fell for Satan's deception hook, line, and sinker...and we have been paying the price for believing lies and living our lives trapped in the lie. 

God didn't ask Eve where she was, He asked Adam where he was. Right here, this tells me that God held Adam responsible for the Fall of Man (and well, God backs up my theory later when He says sin came through one man, Adam). Adam was the first man to fail his family as the spiritual leader. However, I am digressing but not at the same time. (My ex was definitely NOT a spiritual leader or any kind of leader which is really weird since he was a trained professional "leader.")

My soul searching through prayer, reading, and trauma therapy has opened my eyes to the truth, I have worth. My ex-husband's cheating was not because of me, it is not a reflection of me...it is his problem, and one day, I hope he will deal with the problem and find that the hole he is trying to fill can't be filled by anyone but God. 

My problem is I believed the lie I have no value and I lived as if I had no value. I twisted and turned myself into a pretzel trying to be a woman worthy of being faithful to and I was her all along. I am not unattractive, I have a sense of humor, I am very affectionate, I kept a good house, I am a good cook, I picked up and moved my life at the military's whim, I was great at packing boxes, and getting the family settled in each new place making home after home after home. I was a great wife and as my ex testified in court, an excellent mother.

So why did I believe the lie? That is where Mother Eve comes into my story. She was deceived she didn't have enough and I was deceived into believing I wasn't enough. 

I am unbelievably sad about all the years I have lost because I lived feeling insignificant, working so hard to be loved by the person who promised to love me faithfully. But God...

God is redeeming all this loss of time for me. I am healing. I have peace. I have the most amazing friends old and new. 

As I move into my new life, I am privileged to lead women in Small Groups so they can receive the healing I have found, I am honored to be able to lead middle school girls so they know now they have value. They are beautiful They are worth being faithful to by their husband and they should never ever try to earn someone's love. 

My Children In 2004

 I was looking for Christmas decorations and found some papers at the bottom of the box. Back in 2004, I somehow found time to write down my children's personalities. It was a bittersweet moment to read now that they are all grown up and the nest is very empty. I want to preserve these thoughts lest the papers go astray once again. I wish I had written more. 

Hannah There are all sorts of cute things you do during the day to write about but now it is the end of the day and I have a few things to write down on paper.

You love your boots...Rain boots, snow boots, red cowboy boots, it doesn't matter...you love your boots.

You wear your boots so much you got athlete's foot last Spring. We had to spray your feet every morning and evening.

You love your brother but you have a few jealous moments. The other day you wanted me to get him off my lap and put him in his playpen. You kept patting the playpen and saying, "Pen. Pen." When I didn't put him in, you clapped your hands and stretched out your ams to take him. I think you were going to put him in the playpen yourself. (Looking back now, I should have called you, "Miss Bossy Boots.")

You love to help around the house. Sometimes too much...

You love baths and showers. If you hear the word shower or bath, you start stripping. You will jump in with whoever is bathing in addition to your own bath. 

You used to hate showers. You used to scream if we put you in the shower. Now that our new house has clear doors, I am not sure why you didn't like the enclosed space created by shower curtains. 

You hate heavy rain and car washes. Daddy and I went to the car wash and as we drove through the car wash, you started screaming. We had to use car washes where you get out and the car goes through without occupants in the vehicle. The car had a window so you could watch the car go through and you were quite delighted with this feature. I am not sure you will ever be able to sit in a car going through a car wash.

You have a very stubborn streak. When you getting trouble, you'll point your finger at whomever is chastising you and look ver sternly at them. Your dad used to yell your name and point his finger at you when you disobeyed and I am guessing that is where you learned this behavior. 

You are increasing your vocabulary every day and even forming sentences and questions. You used to say, "Tweet. Tweet" when you saw a bird. Now, you say, "Bird." Oh! and for a long time, everything was a duck. 

You are counting to ten and know about 1/2 your letters and most of the colors in the crayon box.

You love music, you love to dance, and you like to kick things with your feet. Your dad thinks you'll be a soccer player (you turned out a figure skater and hockey player which I guess uses both things you loved then, your feet and boots, although you were a phenomenal swimmer when you learned). 

You love to go outside (you even did this as a teenager, you would get a blanket and head to the porch with your phone and tea). 

You love your tennis shoes. Shoes mean you're going outside and that I think in your mind equates to freedom. 

When we drive by McDonalds's, you say, "Going to eat?" It's kind of slurred but we can make out what you're saying. 

You are very cute but you do wear us out. 

Lauren added this to my paper:

 You also have your entourage. All your stuffed animals go to bed. They also come downstairs when you wake. Unfortunately, I (Sissy) have to share my bed with you for awhile, so I barely have room to sleep. 

You always say, "Roo, help." You have your bear, dog, 4 beanie babies, Mom's 80s Garfield, bitty baby, blank, and Matthew's Clifford!

Matthew 

My First Love

I have fallen in love with two fictional characters. Mr. Darcy, of course, and Mr. Thornton from Elizabeth Gaskell's novel, North and South. Today, we are going to discuss my love for Mr. Thornton.

Last night, after watching the mini-series of North and South, and admiring Richard Armitage's eyes as he looks with love at Margaret, I wished someone would love me like that. I have done the same with Mr. Darcy, is there love in the world like that for me.

Sometime during the night, I realized I do have that love I desired. God loves me the way Mr. Thornton loves Margaret. I began thinking of my favorite scenes and I could see how they each applied to God's love for me. 

My favorite scene, naturally, is the end at the Railway Station (not the ending of the book but we will get to that later), when Mr. Thornton sees Margaret, his look of pure love for her melts my heart...and that is how God looks at me. He looks at me as if I am the only person in the world. His softness towards Margaret melts my heart, the gentle assuring holding of her hand is how God sustains me. 

The proposal scene in the mini-series is choppy due to bad editing...I will have to speak to the editors about this...but I will fill in the blanks here. Margaret enters the room, Mr. Thornton (nervous0 speaks of the color of the fruit. He is informed the fruit is for her sick mother. Mr. Thornton shares his love and passion when he proposes to Margaret and she rejects him as I have rejected God so many times when he has shared His love for me. Despite the rejection by Margaret, he begins to send the best, absolute best fruit to her mother, as God continues to care for those around me regardless of how I have treated him. 

Margaret's brother comes during the mother's illness and he is wanted by the law for mutiny. His visit has to be absolute secret. Another railway scene Margaret embraces and kisses her brother goodbye, but is seen by Mr. Thornton. Margaret lies to the police to protect her brother. Mr. Thornton knows she lies and is unaware who she was embracing. He saw the impropriety of her being with a stranger, alone at night, and when called upon to impose the law as magistrate, he covers her sin as Jesus covers my sin, without question, without confrontation, out of love for her father, not for anything she has done...she didn't earn his protection and he had no expectation of receiving love for it, he covers it as it never happened.

Scene after scene has Margaret making accusations against Mr. Thornton out of limited knowledge just as I have made against God when things don't happen the way I think they should happen. In their first encounter Mr. Thornton disciplines a mill worker for smoking in the mill. Margaret sees this and judges Mr. Thonton. Mr. Thornton had seen what a fire could do to a mill, just the previous Spring, he had seen 300 corpses laid out on a hill, many of them children, because of an accidental fire. In another scene, she accuses Mr. Thornton of his fortune and good luck, unaware of his father's suicide from speculation and how Mr. Thornton was taken out of school to toil working to pay off his father's debt and begin running a mill. I cannot count the times I have judged God in situations where I do not know all the circumstances. I have done this to people, people have done this to me. And still, Mr. Thornton loves Margaret after all her rebukes. 

As Margaret sees Mr. Thornton's behavior and hears from others of his integrity, her heart softens and she sees him as the kind man of honor that he is. I feel this is the same for me and God. God has been so kind to me when I have been petulant and impulsive. He continues to love me unwaveringly. His love for me is steadfast. 

I am so thankful for this revelation that I am loved. I no longer have to plot how to bump into Richard Armitage, inspire him to love me with my witty conversation, despite my being 10 years older and his being in a man to man relationship. I already have this love from God, this gentle kind love. I only need to open my hands and receive it. 

God may not have been my first love, but He loves me like I am His first love...and He is my only love. 

I'm back. Different. Older. Wiser.

 It has been awhile since I have blogged. Matthew went away to Prep School. Hannah to College. Lauren is a grown up with a grown up job. I am divorced. So, life is different. Very different.

Life is good. I enjoy every day. I am so incredibly blessed. Life is simple. I have wonderful friends. I am a tourist around the city. I have a wonderful church. What more could I want? 

Tonight is lovely. My feet are up, I have tea, a soft blanket, and Mr. Darcy is looking across the room at Miss Elizabeth Bennett. 

I am growing into the person I have always wanted to be. Lunch with friends, walks with friends, movie with friends, touring the City, time to read books, this is me. This is my life. Life is good. 

The Year in Review 2020

Is this year even worth reviewing? 2020 make one think of a year of clear vision. I think the year 2020 and clear vision is more of an oxymoron. It has been a full year since I last posted so I will do a 10 Second Year in Review:

Let's begin. I file for divorce. COVID locks everything down. Matthew is sent home with school closures. Hannah's senior ends abruptly with no prom. Her class graduation is held with half the class participating in a ceremony and the other half in a ceremony held afterward. I have neck surgery...second major surgery in less than a year. Summer is spent cooped up and going out only to ride my bicycle, go to appointments, or go to the grocery store.

The kids and I did take a trip to the beach for Lauren's birthday. This was a nice break to life. 

I have missed the beach and as part of my fresh start, I handed my card to the girls and said, "Book it." They did. I ignored Greg's protest of using the charge card. If he would have just signed the divorce papers, this wouldn't even be an issue. (And yes, he is still dragging the divorce out...looks like court will be the next stop). I am hoping this will be over by Spring. 

Matthew's Thanksgiving  Break was canceled due to the two week quarantine period for travelers. But...we did get him home a week earlier than anticipated. Silver lining to the cloud of COVID.

A funny thing with Matthew's return was he came in to say good morning and was wearing his mask. He did this two mornings in a row. He was so conditioned to putting on his mask before leaving the dorm room, he put it on out of habit. He even commented one day about how weird it was to be able to walk around without a mask in the house. 

Another bright spot to the kids is both did extremely well in school despite the COVID obstacles they have had to overcome. And Lauren kept her job even though Boeing had to layoff so many employees. This was a really difficult part of her work, knowing how wonderful these people are and seeing them be laid off. Her life was brightened by rescuing and adopting Maya, the great hunter (a pointer/lab mix) who loves to cover Lauren's faces in kisses. 

Speaking of school, I am taking a class at Highlands College for my personal growth. The experience has been a true gift in helping my spirit stay quiet during all the turmoil of the past year. 

I am facing another neck surgery and last week I had hand surgery. Aging needs to come with a warning label. My organs are going to live forever, my framework is shot. I am like a car with a well-oiled engine but 4 flat tires. 

That about sums up 2020. I cannot even imagine what 2021 has in store. Zombie Apocalypse, anyone?