Life has finally found a rhythm for me. I am enjoying the new life I am living. I am enjoying my friends. I am enjoying my church. I am enjoying every moment. I am enjoying being a self-appointed non-Catholic nun.
During the long tortuous divorce (never file for a divorce right before a pandemic hits and closes the courts and confines you to the same house for almost two years...never mind, let's not go there), my sanity came from spending 2-3 hours with God each and every morning. It is the only thing that kept me from sinking into a depression. Every morning, His promises were made new to me. His light would push out the darkness...His names became real to me. His truths protected me. I am so unbelievably grateful.
I am so grateful to God for His promise to uphold me with His righteous right hand. He held me up during the deposition, mediation, and two days in court and all the days in between and those that followed.
God tells us to remember. I will never forget how good He was to show me that I have value. I think the hardest part of the divorce was hearing in court how little value I had to the person I was married to for 34 years. Greg took me to court simply because he didn't want to pay alimony. It wasn't because he was despondent that I wanted to undo the marriage, it is because he deemed me as worthless. I kind of figured that out after a few affairs that I had no value in his eyes. But God...
During and after the divorce, it was time to do some serious soul-searching. How did I get into this mess of a marriage? Why did I stay so long?
And it all goes back to Eve. Yes, Eve in the garden. Eve being deceived in the garden while her husband stood silently not saying a word. Eve's always gotten a bad rap for her role in the Fall of Man. Yes, she misspoke God's actual words but hey, she wasn't even around when God gave the words to Adam to not eat from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. She emerged from Adam later...but something about Eve the enemy zeroed in on...He didn't talk to Adam who stood right next to Eve. He talked to Eve. Eve fell for Satan's deception hook, line, and sinker...and we have been paying the price for believing lies and living our lives trapped in the lie.
God didn't ask Eve where she was, He asked Adam where he was. Right here, this tells me that God held Adam responsible for the Fall of Man (and well, God backs up my theory later when He says sin came through one man, Adam). Adam was the first man to fail his family as the spiritual leader. However, I am digressing but not at the same time. (My ex was definitely NOT a spiritual leader or any kind of leader which is really weird since he was a trained professional "leader.")
My soul searching through prayer, reading, and trauma therapy has opened my eyes to the truth, I have worth. My ex-husband's cheating was not because of me, it is not a reflection of me...it is his problem, and one day, I hope he will deal with the problem and find that the hole he is trying to fill can't be filled by anyone but God.
My problem is I believed the lie I have no value and I lived as if I had no value. I twisted and turned myself into a pretzel trying to be a woman worthy of being faithful to and I was her all along. I am not unattractive, I have a sense of humor, I am very affectionate, I kept a good house, I am a good cook, I picked up and moved my life at the military's whim, I was great at packing boxes, and getting the family settled in each new place making home after home after home. I was a great wife and as my ex testified in court, an excellent mother.
So why did I believe the lie? That is where Mother Eve comes into my story. She was deceived she didn't have enough and I was deceived into believing I wasn't enough.
I am unbelievably sad about all the years I have lost because I lived feeling insignificant, working so hard to be loved by the person who promised to love me faithfully. But God...
God is redeeming all this loss of time for me. I am healing. I have peace. I have the most amazing friends old and new.
As I move into my new life, I am privileged to lead women in Small Groups so they can receive the healing I have found, I am honored to be able to lead middle school girls so they know now they have value. They are beautiful They are worth being faithful to by their husband and they should never ever try to earn someone's love.
