Late Night Thoughts

Another night of elusive sleep. Thoughts...thoughts. How can I get to sleep? What will bring me rest? God, El Hayyay, the God of my life. I want Him to be that so much and yet I fight the distance of disappointment with my earthly father knowing I was his disappointment. I wasn't a boy. I wasn't my brother.

I think about my kids and how much I love them, if they need anything if I can give it to them, I will...but they don't want me since the divorce. They have gone from hating their dad to loving their dad and hating me. How does that happen? But it doesn't matter, I still love them, I would still give them the moon if they would let me. But they won't let me. 

This brings me to God. Yahweh. How much more He must love me than I can possibly love my children. How can I overcome the distance my earthly father created with my Heavenly Father? How he must wait for His children to wait to come home because they want a relationship with Him the way I wait for my children to want a relationship with me. Lessons I have had to learn the hard way, by loving my children too much I became their doormat and scape goat. That is not a healthy relationship, for me or for them...especially for them. So I wait, as God waits. 

I should write this down, these deep thoughts, I'll do it first thing in the morning...but I wait too long. It's been a week since the elusive sleeps, the wisdom of the night has faded. There is an understanding that God loves me, really loves me. If I yearn for a relationship with children who don't want me, how much He must love me, and yet, it's still a fuzzy grasping and trying to claim what He has promised. 

Resting. Abiding. Trusting. Knowing His words are true, He has given me a place of quietness and rest and focusing on the promise of Jeremiah 21:16-17 for both of us. If I love them, how much more does He love us when we disappoint?